My Theology in two essays

Simplicity and Joy as guiding principles

As I move into my 3rd year of Seminary, I feel that the process has helped me to slowly refine my understanding and articulation of my personal theological beliefs. What I have discovered is that there are 2 core values that guide and inform my theology, and help me to know how it is that I “fit” in with the wider mission of the United Church of Christ. It was a bit of a shock really, when in class we were asked to do this exercise after listening to a podcast by Brene Brown, and my 2 guiding core values seem to be those of simplicity and joy. That might sound odd, or not very pastoral, or not seem like the core values of a “leader”, and I was certainly the only one in my class that listed those...as opposed to things like “courage” or “faith”, both of which were very popular choices. I chose these, however, as they really do speak to what I think are the core principles that guide my journey as I work towards ordination, and my M.Div degree, and they have arisen out of a great deal of work on getting to know myself more deeply, and getting to know God more deeply at the same time. This might require a little explanation, however, in keeping with these core values, it’s not a very complex explanation. So I will touch on both themes of simplicity, and joy, and how that informs me as I journey through this process in the United Church of Christ.

 

First, simplicity - I chose this core value because it really speaks to a lot of the ways that God has been working in my life to kind of help me along my journey. In a world that encourages us to place high value on complexity (in oh so many aspects of our lives), I think that God encourages us to work towards simplicity. This is a place of humility, and humble acquiescence to the fact that I am just one small person in a very large universe, and that there is a God, and that it is not me. This principle allows me the freedom to have healthy and appropriate boundaries with others (I am not responsible for everyone else’s feelings and behaviors, no matter how much compassion or empathy I feel towards them), and to be kind and compassionate to myself in terms of needs for self-care, privacy, and rest, among other things. Working towards a state of simplicity implies an understanding that I am not the ultimate power in the universe, or even in my own tiny sphere of influence, which actually allows me to be a servant to others, while still protecting my own mental and emotional well-being. I understand that I cannot fix all things and that it was never actually my job to do so, it is my responsibility to do the work that God puts before me, to the best of my ability, and to help nurture the gifts of others so that they can also participate in the work.

 

Second…Joy…this one was much harder to identify and also kind of risky to state as a core value these days I think. However, I think really that if we believe that God is at work in all things, even in these dark and dangerous things that are happening in our world, then (along with that value of simplicity) I can allow myself to feel some of the joy of life that is also part of God’s plan for his children. I do believe that God desires for us to trust, and to experience some joy in our lives. If we can let go of our need to control every little thing…we can witness the miraculous ways that God breaks into our lives, and the lives of others, to provide us opportunities to experience the joy and love that are the promise of God’s kindom. This kindom that exists among us already, but that is continually unfolding and inviting us to a deeper and more intimate relationship with God and each other.

            I think that these two core principles inform my journey with the UCC and my understanding of what and who God is. Because my focus is on simplicity within my own approach to others, with Love and understanding being the main focus, rather than fixing them, or controlling the situations that they are in. I feel that if God is unconditional love, that this is an uncomplicated love. It is pure, simple, and all-encompassing, including all people, even those with whom relationships may seem complicated. The priest at the Episcopal church where I am doing my Field education likes to say that we do not have to agree on all things, as long as we have a foundational truth, that Jesus is Lord, to work from. If we can meet there, then the rest can be worked through if we are willing. If we can cling to our simplicity rather than our rightness. I feel this is important for any pastor of any church…if we want to truly love God’s people, and welcome all of them, including people who are more politically conservative than we are, in addition to those with whom we may more fully resonate.

 

Focusing on simplicity also allows me to find joy and comfort in the work that God puts in my path for me to do, and this is undergirded by a foundational trust that God is in it with us - with all of us, even in this. I cannot fix all these problems, but I can do this one thing perhaps. And it matters, even small acts help to add to the balance of goodness and joy, and they count.   I think that people truly need to feel like they are permitted to feel joy, even in dark and difficult times - these are the times that we have been given to live -  dark and difficult indeed - like much of humanity's past in fact.  I feel that this works with the belief that we hold in the UCC that God is Still Speaking -  If we can quiet our own inner control freak, critic, parental voices, demons, or whatever it is that haunts us. These voices tell us that we can’t find peace, we can’t find joy, and we don’t deserve happiness - but God still sends us the people, works, and wisdom that we need to heal, help, and experience joy and peace.

 

            So, simplicity, and joy. And focusing on loving and including all God’s precious children rather than controlling or fixing, being truly hospitable and welcoming, and helping to unify rather than divide people. Letting go of guilt and allowing myself and others to feel the joy and peace that are found in trusting that God is here with us. I think that these two core values help to tell me who God is, and what God is like. I understand that I cannot make others see the world the way that I do, but I can serve as a touchstone, and a channel with my personal life, actions and witness. I like to think that I will find God every day that I am permitted to wake up, and that God will send me the help and guidance that I need, that the other people, animals, plants, and all of creation are here to help us know God, and to understand that God is with us.

Essay 2 - Humility and Needing God's Help

It is always a challenge to write these short, two-page essays after a year that is always just action-packed. I struggle to decide what is most important, what I should include, and what is relevant and most important to my journey. This dilemma is because it feels like everything is part of the journey, and it is all relevant, and it takes a lot of contemplation to really distill the events of a year down to the most concentrated and necessary elements. This year I was helped in determining this by the meetings that I had with my clergy advisor and my spiritual director. It is relevant to me to say that they helped me sort through the morass of busyness because the most important lessons and my main growth area this year relate to taking the help that is offered and available, and not trying to do everything under the sun on my own. And that this is an important revelation in my spiritual journey, because God never intended for us to be “on our own” here on planet Earth, and our perceived lack of connection to Earth, each other, and God is really an illusion. 

One of the things that was incredibly significant in providing spiritual instruction to me this year had nothing to do with school or books, it was having COVID in August. With several emergency room visits, and one VIP ride in an ambulance, I did manage to pull through Covid, but it left me very weak and also caused a really severe exacerbation of my autoimmune arthritis. I suffered a rapid deterioration of the disks in my cervical and lumbar spine, and now need to use a wheelchair regularly if I need to be on my feet for more than 5-10 minutes, and need it to engage in a full day's work, or do fun things like going to the park with my grandbaby. This in and of itself is OK - I don’t feel like this is “the end” of things - I always knew that this was a likely scenario to occur in my future because of the nature of my illnesses. The thing about this is that it has served as a catalyzing agent for me in 2 ways. First, it has helped me to solidify the calling I feel to work for equality and access to all parts of church and seminary life for people with disabilities, and it also has helped me to really get down to work on that self-care thing, further dissolving the illusion of independence that I have clung to for so much of my life. 

I realize that much of my impetus to be as independent as I can and to always be “on top of things” and in control stems from my unstable childhood and early adulthood. As a child, I was in so many situations where I was NOT safe and NOT cared for properly that it is not any wonder that I like to try to keep the ship steady. Being a single mom for much of my adult life, and experiencing a lot of financial distress and a couple bouts of homelessness did not help this situation. Facing increased disability has really perturbed the waters and made me have to deal with these issues, as I just can’t push myself through things like I am used to, and really must pay more attention to my needs, for rest, for help, for assistive devices, and for healthy professional boundaries. I realize that I will need to be very careful in my search for employment after I graduate, and that I will need to be discerning about the ability of a congregation to accommodate my needs because if I want to be effective at leading, I will need the help of the congregation, healthy boundaries, and a team of people who are devoted to promoting the welfare of the congregation as a true team effort. It may be that there is a congregation out there where I will find a good home, and I am hopeful, but it may also be that working as a chaplain might accommodate my needs better. That being said, I do plan to complete 4 units of CPE, my first one over the coming summer. 

Now, before you go any further in reading this, I think that if you haven’t seen it yet, you should watch this little video of Andrea Gibson performing her poem “MAGA Hat in the Chemo Room” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCX-0zJTEbk). Honestly, everyone should watch this - it may be the most holy spoken word I have heard in a long time. This is relevant to my second area of growth, which is also related to my desire to work on helping increase access to all areas of spiritual and church life for people with disabilities. 

One of the things I have realized since becoming a wheelchair user, is that churches and other worship spaces speak to their communities about the worthiness of the disabled, how welcome they are as congregation members, and whether the church sees them as worthy of being leaders, and speakers of the word. If the altar space in a church is not accessible for people with mobility issues, that speaks volumes about how the congregation values and cares for those with physical disabilities. One of the things that a professor said in a class where I brought this issue to light, was “How healing would it be to a kid with disabilities to see a pastor in a wheelchair”. Yes. This is correct. It would be incredibly healing for that child, and open a world of possibilities to them that before that moment, they may not have even considered. That they could also lead, and preach, and be of service and be the healer, the one praying for others, not just the receiver of prayers. But the thing that I realized was this… yes, it would be healing for that child…but how profoundly healing would it be to the entire community…to all the temporarily able-bodied people in the congregation, those who said that “we don’t have any disabled people to accommodate so why would we put a ramp here”, or who have offered to pray for a random person with a disability, or who had heard a sermon preached that said that when that person in the wheelchair dies they will be “made whole” in heaven. How deeply and truly healing and liberating would it be for an entire community to learn that the person in the wheelchair is already whole, already perfectly created in the image of God. Perhaps that person has got a hold on the common thread of our humanity that can help us heal all kinds of breaches and schisms. I know people don’t want to hear that suffering can be incredibly instructive but, that is the truth. 

In the video I linked, Andrea Gibson talks about her experience of being in Chemo, in a room full of people whom perhaps in another setting she might have thought of as her “enemy”, and would be encouraged to think this way by friends, family and media. She mentions that we all seem to think that wanting to “all just get along” is the stuff of a child's prayer…but the fact and the truth is that she longs to live in a world where MAGA hat guy desires for her to survive and that she also wants him to live. And that she knows, as she sits in that room over the course of the year, that she will see them every time, and then suddenly she won’t. And that a little piece of her will die with every one of them that dies. The truth is that this child’s prayer is not a trivial thing to wish for. I think that it is something that we all really want, to be able to go out our door and into the presence of our kindred knowing that they are not the enemy, that they all are rooting for us to make it, and we are for them as well. One of the things I have had to reconcile is that I live in a home, free of charge, with an awful lot of care and love, coming from someone that my political party would tell me is my enemy. And the thing that I have learned from this, and from really needing a lot of help this past year, is that the schism exists inside me, and that if I don’t want to live in a world full of my enemies, it starts with me, and how I interact with others. 

My spiritual director asked me - “but wouldn’t you have to be hiding parts of yourself from them then?” Well…no. Not of my truest self, and my truest nature. That part of me that exists beyond this world, that is connected by this common thread to God and makes me a part of the body of Christ, my truest self…is the part that loves them and knows them as also part of this same body. So no, I actually have to show the very BEST part of myself in order to heal this schism. I have been reading St. Therese of Liseaux’s autobiography, and in it she talks about her prayer practice as being simple, like that of a child who doesn’t know how to read. She says she speaks simple words, about what she needs, and that God always understands. And so building on last year's themes of Joy and Simplicity…I think that I will add the abolishment of this cultural imperative to always be “independent”, look for more harmony and community, and take the help that is available and given, and in so doing be able to give back more. It may be a child’s prayer to want to live in a world where no one is your enemy, but if it works for St. Therese, it will probably work for me too.