Two Essays - Kierkegaard's Theological Self/Transformation of Han - For Pastoral Care Seminar
Essay 1 - Kierkegaard
I live with a person who struggles constantly with depression and existential angst, and it is always difficult to deal with. My husband claims to be an atheist and a nihilist, and I am not sure if his angst is what leads him to these pathways, or if these pathways lead to his angst, it's a difficult question. But it does post challenges at times for us and our relationship. Not because he particularly thinks that I am “wrong” because I believe in a higher power, but because he doesn’t think it matters if I do, his nihilism often leads him to thinking that nothing matters at all, which is really annoying when the subject is the dishes, or mopping the floor, or doing the laundry.
According to the article on Kierkegaard, masculine faith is characterized by risk, courage, and decision-making. It is the type of faith that is willing to take risks and make commitments, even when there is no guarantee of success. Kierkegaard associates this type of faith with the biblical character Abraham, who was willing to sacrifice his son Isaac on God's command. Additionally, he says feminine faith is characterized by trust, vulnerability, and receptivity. It is the type of faith that is open to God's grace and mercy, even when it does not understand why things happen the way they do. Kierkegaard associates this type of faith with the biblical character Mary, who was willing to accept God's will for her life, even when it was difficult. He argues that both masculine and feminine faith are necessary for a full and complete life of faith. Masculine faith provides the courage and strength to take risks and make commitments, while feminine faith provides the trust and vulnerability to receive God's grace and mercy.
We should be aware that Kierkegaard's use of the terms "masculine" and "feminine" is not meant to be taken literally. He is not saying that men are naturally more suited for masculine faith and women are naturally more suited for feminine faith. Rather, he is using these terms to describe various ways that people relate to God and faith in general. His distinction between masculine and feminine faith is definitely something that I can relate to and see aspects of in my own personal faith, and in the ways that I relate to the care and tending of my own relationships in my life, including that with my husband. He often does require a lot of faith based care, whether he understands this or not…his depression gets quite deep and does put some strains on our relationship. Not in a way that would cause it to break, but in ways that make it difficult to navigate how to get things done, how to best care for him, how to care for myself in the times when he is really struggling, and how to talk to him about his issues in ways that he is accepting of. I honestly think that every person of faith should probably have a close relationship with someone who is an atheist to at least help them challenge some of their taken for granted assumptions about the world, life, and the universe, but also so they can’t just rely on platitudes, cliches, and easy bible passages to provide care for them. I think that I do mostly tend towards the feminine type of faith as Kierkegaard describes it, in that I tend to offer a lot of grace, and forgiveness, tend to be more easy going and willing to be accommodating and flexible - which makes living with someone who suffers from clinical depression easier. That being said, it does take some guts and a penchant for risk taking to change tracks in your 50s and go back to grad school for a seminary degree, accumulating more debt, and facing an uncertain future. I think that both of these aspects of faith are important, and I tend not to see this so much as a binary, but more as a continuum of faith and care practices. I do think that it is just part and parcel of this project of being a Christian that calls us to fully embody all these aspects of faith and spirituality, as we attempt to be Jesus followers. As mentioned in the article, Jesus presented both the masculine and feminine in the manner of his ministry, and in the ways that he related to people, solved problems, told stories, and even in the way that he handled the inevitability of his death.
Essay 2: Han
So I am going to discuss this idea in the context of caring for my mother who is a malignant narcissist, and who has struggled with the repercussions of this her entire life, as have my siblings and I. Wachul Oh describes the issue of Han and how to deal with it from a Korean context, and he explains it as follows:
Han is a Korean word that refers to a deep sense of resentment, sorrow, and despair that is caused by oppression and injustice. It is a feeling that can be passed down from generation to generation, and it can have a profound impact on the individual's sense of self and their ability to live a healthy and productive life.
Self psychology is a branch of psychology that focuses on the development and functioning of the self. It is based on the idea that the self is a complex system of interacting parts, and that it is constantly developing and evolving.
Transference is a phenomenon that occurs in the therapeutic relationship, in which the client projects their feelings, thoughts, and experiences onto the therapist. Transference can be a powerful tool for healing, as it allows the client to work through unresolved issues from their past.
Oh argues that han can be transformed through the process of transference in a therapeutic relationship.
The transformation of this is done through a four step process that is intended to help guide the afflicted person through a process of sort of maturing the process by which they relate to others and how they get their emotional needs met by others in a process of mirroring and transferrence. I do have some experience in dealing with these issues having tried for many years to heal both my own personal trauma from dealing with my mother, the trauma that her illness has inflicted on the rest of my siblings and family and the ways that all of this interplays to create just a really ugly web of trauma for all of us.
The most helpful resource that I have found, that has some real similarities to what was described in this article comes from the work of Dr. Judy Rosenberg (I will link her book and her youtube channel at the end of this paper). Dr. Judy's process of healing from narcissistic abuse in her book "Be the Cause" is a nine-step process that takes the reader from their wounds of the past, through dismantling the cause of their current negative core beliefs, to paradigm shifting for their future health.
The first step is to identify the wounds of the past. This includes understanding the narcissistic abuse that you experienced, as well as the negative core beliefs that you developed as a result of that abuse. The second step is to dismantle the cause of your current negative core beliefs. This involves identifying the false beliefs that you have about yourself and the world, and then challenging and replacing those beliefs with more accurate and empowering ones. The third step is to paradigm shift into your future health. This involves changing your perspective on yourself, others, and the world in a way that allows you to heal and move forward. These three steps are taken in order in a process, and the following are steps that you go through in an iterative process, and most of us probably will go through them multiple times. They consist of identifying your triggers and developing strategies for coping with them in a healthy way. Learning to set boundaries with people who are abusive or toxic. This means saying no to things that you don't want to do, and standing up for yourself when you're being mistreated. Taking care of yourself. This means making sure that you're getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, exercising regularly, and doing things that you enjoy. Forgiving yourself for any mistakes that you made in the past. This doesn't mean that you have to forget what happened, but it does mean that you need to let go of the guilt and shame that you're carrying around.Forgive the abuser, which is difficult, but it's an important one. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you're condoning the abuse, but it does mean that you're letting go of the anger and resentment that you're holding onto. And then finally - moving on with your life. Once you've done the work of healing, it's time to move on with your life. This means creating a new life for yourself that is free from abuse and filled with love, joy, and happiness.
What I personally think is that we all probably suffer from some level of narcissistic abuse, no one has perfect family relations, everyone has had traumatic experiences with people, and these things are often transmitted generationally as Oh states right in the definition of Han. These honestly are damaging behaviors, that we ought to be looking to heal, whether we call it Han or narcissism, or borderline personality disorder, we should always be looking to become more healthy in our relationships, especially as people who want to be caregivers for others. I think that trying to “cure” someone else of Han if you yourself are carrying a heavy burden of past trauma is probably a dangerous thing for both you and the person you are caring for.
You can find Dr. Judy’s book here:
And you can visit her youtube channel here:
https://www.youtube.com/@drjudywtf8793
I think that this all is part of the journey of healing, becoming, growing in your spirituality, and all these things are theological - God really wants us to be able to have healthy relationships with our fellow humans, and all the tools that we have, be it psychology, medications, technology - all of this is part of that process.
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